Most people know from experience that the teenage and pre-teen years can be particularly hard on the relationship between parents and children. There’s no other point in both of their lives where attitudes and opinions differ more, which leads to defiance, rejection and even outright ridicule.
A preadolescent child is no longer the person they were just a year ago. They are changing at an alarming pace, both emotionally, socially and physically. It can be an overwhelming process, but it’s important to know that at this point, they need you more than ever. It won’t be easy, but knowing how to set a strong parent-child relationship while respecting their autonomy is necessary.
Here’s what you should know as a parent to confront your pre-teen carefully.
Taking their independence as rejection
At this age, your children will start relying more on their social circle for everything instead of their family, including your guidance.
So instead of being angry at their new independence, you should understand that it comes from a distance they create to accommodate more people into their life as they grow older.
The key is to understand that the pre-teen years are the time when children start to actually have their own secrets, and it’s natural that they should want to keep them away from us. Being too inquisitive —or worse, showing low tolerance or a short temper about this— can alienate them from you. If you push too hard, you risk pushing them away entirely.
Expecting the worst every time
Yes, teenagers all through the ages have a reputation for getting in the worst kind of trouble for little (or no) reason at all, but it’s time to look at the role parents can be playing in this. A Wake Forest University study showed that, when you openly expect teens to partake in risky behavior, they are more likely to do so one year later. That is to say; if you constantly fear that your teens to make a mess of their lives and they pick up on this, they won’t feel that you trust them enough to do any different.
Dr. Richard Lerner, director of the Institute for Applied Research in Youth Development at Tufts University, advises parents to focus their attention into their child’s interests and hobbies, reinforcing your positive image of them. After all, a lack of real trust is one of the biggest teenage problems with parents.
Intervening in every little problem
It’s understandable that, as a parent, you want the life of your children to be as free from pain, disappointment, and mistakes as possible, even now that they’re teenagers. The thing is, well, mistakes and disappointment are a big part of life, even for adults! Don’t get us wrong, it is important that you try to teach them how to avoid it where possible, but the world is not going to end because a small problem arose from their own decisions, like a bad haircut, a little love disappointment, or taking ages to clean their room.
This doesn’t mean that you should be.
Ignoring the big problems
No matter the time or age, a parent’s two worst fears when it comes to teenagers are sex and drugs. Each of these subjects is usually part of a “big talk” that we have with our children, but it’s important to know that, even if close together, each teenager develops at their own speed, and we shouldn’t force this information until they are ready.
It’s key that you build a strong foundation with them and that you provide developmentally appropriate information and resources on sexuality, drug abuse and eating disorders instead of relying completely on a “big talk” that comes entirely from you. It will help them know that you have their best interest at heart instead of just denying them something outright.
One thing you should never forget during your children’s tween years is that, well, they won’t last forever! It’s a critical stage, and the way you handle it (and help them cope with it at the same time) will set a foundation for your future relationship that will be hard to change down the line. There’s no real secret on how to be a good parent to a teenager, but knowing hot to communicate is necessary at every step of the way.
